International Council of Man Laws

I will tell you the name of the genius male chauvinist who sent me these if you want to track him down and hurt him, ladies...

International Council of Man Laws.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

19. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

21. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime, green, yellow, orange or sky blue.

22. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 or a Playstation - End of story.

23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

24. Never wear a man bag to work.

25. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
- 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
- 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'


I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws

How'd that happen?

Nearly a week since my last post? I do apologize.

So I've been 'alone' now for five days... my GOD am I bored! Empty houses are nice for a day or two (peace, quiet, naked housework etc.) but after a little while it gets too quiet, ya know?

Everyone's due back tomorrow by the time I get home from work, so that'll be better. (What's the betting I'm arguing by tomorrow night, telling off number one son and kicking the dog?... I'm kidding of course).

I've not been sleeping well recently what with one thing and another, so feel tired and slightly light headed. I would say "I need a holiday" but what I actually need is a break from my brain... you know when you wake up in the middle of the night and your brain instantly starts churning over all the things you've got going on? And then because of that you can't shut down again and go back to sleep? That's what I've got going on, which sucks. For the past few days I've been awake from 4.45, 5.15, 5.00, and 5.30. Sake.

Anyway - not much on today apart from crappy work. UEFA Champions League Final tonight, which I'll be watching. That's about it. Peace.

(No soundtrack of the day yet, as I don't know what work I'll be doing...)

One of THOSE mornings

Yes, one of those mornings this morning, and it's only just gone 07.00.
So far I've:

• Fallen out of the shower this morning
• Got a blood blister on my finger
• Smashed my hand into a cupboard at work
• Had some fcuker pull out on me on the way to work
• Left my mobile phone at home(!! ARRGGH)
• Can't find my usual glass at work that I have my drinks out of
• Got caught at every red light just as they changed to red on the way to work

So not much when you read it like that, but when they're happening your temperature goes up and up and up and before you know it you're screaming at someone to just fcuk off and die and you just want to rewind to 8 hours ago and start again.

So anyway - Number one son has been away now 48 hours... I hope he's OK and having a blast (I bet he hasn't even thought of his parents so far!) and he's back tomorrow afternoon. So one more night of quiet. But then everyone's off again at the weekend! So more days of peace (and yes, boredom). Today I'll be working on this nasty bit of code that I've been stuck on for a couple of days now. Its good because I get my head down and the day goes quick, but it's bad because I can't fcuking fix the thing. I'll be searching my MP3 player for inspirational music to help me through, and posting each album as it comes on here on Twitter - feel free to follow along. Peace.
Update: Just found out I've forgotten my wallet as well... so no money for lunch. BASTARD!

He's leaving home

Well, not leaving, but number one son is now off with the school until Friday. Three nights away from home! I feel excited for him, nervous, scared, worried, jealous all sorts. He's going to have a blast. I just know now that for the next couple of nights, when I get home, I'll have nothing to do... I'm normally sorting dinner out for us, or helping with homework etc. but this week I can pretty much do as I please in the evenings. He's back on Friday and then he goes away again for a few days, but with his mum this time, as it's half term. I'll be home alone as I don't have enough holiday to take the week off with them :0(

Still... empty house could mean I can try and get back to recording some more stuff. Yes, I've been neglecting the ol' geetar recently and it's about time I get back to it. Or I could spend the free time eating crap, drinking too much and watching TV!

Not much else on the horizon really... the next 'major' event will be our boys trip down to Cornwall at the end of June. Can't wait.

Soundtrack of the day: "Uncle Dysfunktional" by Happy Mondays

Im still here

Just not much going on at the moment is all.

Weekend was quiet - football with Jake was the main thing.

Jake is going away tomorrow until Friday (eep!) with his school. It'll be the longest he's been away from home without family. He's so excited he could spurt, but we're gonna miss him. At least it'll be quiet!

I need:
A shave
A haircut
A diet
A drink

I want:
More money
More free time
More cool gadgets

I'm Getting:
Old
Fat
None of my "want" list

Soundtrack of the day: Anything loud to drown out the voices...

Peace.

Draining batteries

First of all, thank you all for the kind words on my last post. It's never easy knowing what to say in situations like that, is it? But you all did brilliantly. Well done you!

Now, why draining batteries? For the past couple of days I have not been able to sleep properly past 04.00 in the morning, and as a result I can actually feel my energy slowly draining away like the battery icon on the top of my iPhone (yes I still love it BTW). This means I feel weak, I have had a headache for nearly two days and just feel run down like the losers in the Duracell bunny race. I've also been getting into the office at just after 06.30 which is quite nice in one way (a whole hour before the help desk monkeys arrive) but quite sad in another.

It doesn't help that work is quite quiet at the moment, so it's not as if I can come in and crack on with something productive. This morning, for example, I sat contemplating how I could get the noisy, chatty, annoying people in this office to just pipe down a little, without offending. (Can't be done, I checked).

So, feeling a bit 'bleurgh' today. I do have a little coding to do today, so once I start that maybe some good music will recharge me a little... suggestions?

Update: OK, I found out Dave Gahn is not well (Depeche Mode lead singer) so in honor of him, I'm listening to "Violater" and "Playing The Angel".

A wedding and a funeral

Well actually, it was a funeral then a wedding.

First of all the funeral. We cremated my nan last Thursday, my mum's mum. I didn't post about it before now, or about when she died, because I thought it inappropriate and not for blogging knowledge... but a few days have passed now, so I'm more comfortable letting you all know. She died at home, at the grand old age of 89. The funeral went fine (as fine as these things can go) and she had a lovely send off I think she would have appreciated - understated, simple, but very nice. R.I.P Nan.

The wedding - and it was JUST what I needed after the funeral on Thursday. The two mentalist lucky people who tied the knot are friends of my wife. The got married down near Exeter, so after dropping #1 son and the mutt with my parents on Friday night, we left at the crack of 7.45 Saturday morning and drove down there, and it was such a nice drive. We had a tiny shower at one point, but apart from that, sunshine all the way. And the views! I don't know if you've ever been to that part of the world, but there's so much country and green stuff it's lovely.
(Oh, we passed Stone Henge, which I've never seen before... underwhelmed. Not as big as I thought it'd be).
We were staying at a guest house called Moorstone run by a couple called John and Serge (with a french bulldog called Louie). Yes, it IS how it sounds. We didn't get to meet Serge (who was French) but John was an absolute perfect Dutch host, even though he stood at about 6'9! Camp as Butlins but charming with it. The guest house was really nice and our room (the best in the place - luck of the draw) was perfect. (If you look at the site, the room "Kennick" was our one).
The only thing that is a shame is that the owners are moving to the West Indies in a few weeks! So unless you book up and get down there soon, you won't experience it the way we did, which I have to say really made the weekend.
The wedding was... a wedding. So it's the normal list of things:

• The bride looked stunning
• The groom looked ready to shit himself then faint
• The food was nice. (I've had better, but I've also had a lot worse)
• The speeches were funny if you knew the in-jokes, otherwise just... pleasant
• The wine was free and flowing
• The DJ was a wedding DJ
• Old people danced, when old people REALLY shouldn't
• I wanted to dance, but as usual, didn't have enough wine in me

The exceptions to the usual rules? The place they got married was an old converted 15th century barn, which was stunning, and the weather was perfect.
The happy couple were bladdered by 22.00 (which was good to see) and I'm sure they had a great day.

The only downside for the weekend for me was that we had to be up and on our way home by 08.00 the next day (ouch!) because Jake had his football club presentation that afternoon, so we had to get back for that. And it was a shame because I would have loved to spend the rest of the day, and maybe even another night, at the guest house because it really was THAT GOOD.

So we bombed back, driving at ... some... miles an hour, so we made good time. Jake's presentation day went really well, and then we had a quiet Sunday evening full of stretches and yawns and tiredness.

And now it's Monday, and a new week to get through. No plans so we'll see what happens.

Soundtrack of the day: "Dear Science" by TV On The Radio (again).

OK, an official request

I love receiving your comments I really do, but PLEASE can you include your names?!
I'd like to see how many different people are reading and commenting, or if it's just the same stalker. Thank you all very much - I love you all :-)
Peace


-- Post From My iPhone

So what do you think...

...of my new image? A bit nerdy, I know, but I saw it and suddenly wanted to re-vamp the front page. I like it anyway. Peace.

A really interesting article

Here's a really interesting article on hackers using Social Engineering to break into firms... ask yourself, could this happen to YOUR company?

I feel dirty...

I was asked by one of my American brethren to listen to Radio 1 this morning. He said that he gets the station over there, and wanted me to listen to the broadcast on my way in, to see (quote) "...if its the same dribble."
So, I tuned in the ol' wireless this morning, and what should come dribbling out? Chris f*ckin Moyles. Oh. My. God. He was talking to his breakfast 'team' rather than playing music, and it was just like, just like, sitting at my desk at work overhearing the pointless conversations I get round here. He was waffling on about "what he did on his afternoon off" and how great Robin Hood was, and how he's only got 2% left on his Sky... oops, sorry, his "generic satellite recoding system" (his words). And, how Keith Allen phoned him asking for tickets to some music show he's doing or something, and how cool and trendy and wonderful his life is and you'll never be this cool and wonderful because you're not in 'the business'. (Well, he didn't say that, but that was the distinct impression).
Bugger me.
I thought the idea of a disc jockey was to introduce the record, play the record, introduce the next record, and maybe say "and now for the news". I listened to him for about 15 minutes, (I know, if I hated it so much, why not switch it off? I was doing research people, for a friend), and he didn't play one song. Utter shite. So my tip for you this morning? Don't listen to Radio 1 in the mornings. Play a CD instead.

This afternoon, my balls are going to be blown hither and yon. I'm playing golf and it's breezy out.

Soundtrack of the day: "North At It's Heights" by MC Tunes... "The only rhyme that bitesAAH!"

Update: Am I allowed to get annoyed at people who comment under Anonymous? Or is that too 'police-state', asking people to identify themselves?

Mond... sorry, Tuesday morning

Bank holidays confuse me, alright?

I had a sudden attack of the 'cynicals' yesterday. I was watching the film Beetlejuice with #1 son, (it was his first time watching it, and he liked it - oh, and I thought "this film is OK for a 10 year old" until the bit where Beetlejuice kicks over a tree in the Maitland's model and shouts "Nice fuckin' model"... cue shocked look on Jake's face. But I digress...)
and so I thought I'd twitter the subject, as you do. About 5 minutes later, I received an email saying "Betleguise is now following you on Twitter". So obviously this person has some sort of software installed that searches for anything along the lines of the word "Beetlejuice" and automatically 'follows' them. Proof of this is checking his profile, and seeing "Following: 1,049".
Sheesh. I mean, what's the point in that? It's like the idea of friends on facebook a couple of years ago, so what if you've only got 12 friends? I bet you know all of them really well, and are actually interested in them, as opposed to those who have 32,000 of the fuckers and only know 2 of them. *world weary sigh*

Anyway.

What's on this week? No work planned (as yet) but tomorrow afternoon playing golf, and then at the weekend I have a wedding down in Exeter. Which will be nice. (I hope).

More nonsense soon... stay tuned!

Here's a thought...

Everyone is worried about Swine flu, right? People who start sneezing and get runny noses are going to be shunned by other people, in a kind of unclean-leper-get-away-from-me-you-disease-carrying-wretch kind of way.

And what season is about to start? Hayfever season - you know, the season of sneezing and runny noses and in some cases breathing problems. So how many hay fever sufferers (like me) are going to be accused of having the dreaded pig cold when in fact all they have is the usual summer affliction? Or how many people are gonna catch hog pneumonia and not realise it because they'll just dismiss it as "oh, my usual hayfever"?

A scary thought, n'est pas?

So remember, as we're told in the latest government advertisment - Catch it. Bin it. Kill it.

Let's be careful out there children.

A new quickie

Just a quick one to say I'm loving my new iPhone and don't regret getting it at all. Which is nice. More nonsense from a computer soon...

-- Post From My iPhone

Stuff

Someone sent one of those emails at work yesterday that was supposed to be just to one person / department, but sent it to the whole company - and the kicker? Someone replied telling them not to email the whole company but copied the whole company!

Someone sent this:

"Hi Good Morning.
Would be possible to have an eye test voucher please, as i feel that i might need glasses.
Kind Regards..."

1. Why would you think "I don't know who to send this to, I'll send it to everyone just to be sure?
2. Why send it to everyone with such bad grammar and incorrect capitalization?
3. Why would you want the whole company knowing you need glasses?

Anyway, an honest mistake you'd think... never mind. But then someone replied with this:

"Hi xxxx, you have sent this to everyone in the UK. You need to send this to HR.
Thanks..."

So you're informing him not to send it to the whole company, but you did it anyway... Swish!
I was SO SO tempted to reply to all (including the whole company) saying "Please don't send frivolous emails to the whole company as it clogs up the server" just to see if I could start something silly. *sigh*. I have too much time on my hands.

iPhone Update

It's now my proper phone at last (yay!) and I really do like it as a handset. I'm not that into the applications at the moment, but then I don't really know what's out there or what I need. For this reason I have set up an "iPhone Support Group" amongst my friends (as we all seem to be getting them) so we can share ideas, cool apps. etc. If you want to be part of it, let me know, and I'll add you to the mailing list. I'll also be posting anything new we find on here.

Anyway - the Friday before a bank holiday. Cool init? Hopeing to get out and play golf today, and then its a football free weekend (as far as Jake's concerned) so it'll be shopping, housework, gardening, and chillin'.

Have a great weekend all, more posts soon.